"Television! Teacher, mother, secret lover."

"All normal people love meat. If I went to a barbeque and there was no meat, I would say 'Yo Goober! Where's the meat!?' I'm trying to impress people here, Lisa. You don't win friends with salad."

"I want to share something with you: The three little sentences that will get you through life. Number 1: Cover for me. Number 2: Oh, good idea, Boss! Number 3: It was like that when I got here."

"It takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen."

"Aren't we forgeting the true meaning of Christmas? You know, the birth of Santa."

"When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!"

"Change is good, but dollars are better."

"Oh, come on. If you can't laugh at the walking dead, who can you laugh at?"

"He who establishes his argument by noise and command shows that his reason is weak."

"A hedge between keeps friendship green."

"Belief is the death of intelligence."

"When you win, say nothing. When you lose, say less."